What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 05:07
But ive been too sick for many years..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why would my husband cheat on me with an ugly fat woman?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Do you like wearing short skirts?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im still living with it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Can anyone show a photo with a penis in their anus?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was scared of men, in general
Why do people still think Michael Jackson was guilty?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But, we were locked up after school.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
What did i know ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was seconnd youngest,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I said to her
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Ive learnt so much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My life is so biszare .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was 9 years of age.
I think the readers, may guess!
One cannot live in the past .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It was going to be , some day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I waited trembling.
I write beautiful poetry .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She married twice! .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He knew the spot.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My family never makes their pension either.
But it wasn’t much.
Who then, do I blame.?
She loved him until the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
All the time i was locked up.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i lived it daily.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is soul school!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She found it foreign!.
I was very sick at this time too.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I don,t even have a pension.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Would this be the day?
Put me off passion for life!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I have no regrets .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I couldn’t, believe it.
So whats the point in blame.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So, i spoilt her more .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I will be 64.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were not on the streets..
She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)